Esprit d'Ange

A Struggle

2009-05-17T23:49:00.003+10:00

It has been a while... so much has happened. The good, the bad and the ugly.

I have achieved but I have also failed at the one thing that I struggle with so much. I fight so hard and sometimes it never seems like I will find a way out. 279 + 14. That will mean something to some people. There were 30 days between the 279 and the 14. 30 days where I was lost in darkness and most of those days I really didn't think I'd ever find a way out.

Funny that it should be the one think that was binding me to the darkness that because the thing that also began the process to free me.

I know I'm talking in riddles. I guess I just don't want to say too much. Those that know me will be able to work out what I'm talking about.

The last 14 days have been so hard. People keep telling me that it will be easier this time because I have done it before. But I don't know that it is. Just because I know what to look for, know what to expect, know the warnings doesn't make it any easier to cope or deal with the urges. But I will continue to play guitar, write stories and clean my house. Not to mention just look at the hundreds of reminders....

When u wish u hadden't got out of bed!

2007-02-01T10:27:00.000+10:00

Oh what a truely shit day. And its only 10:30... Everything that could have gone wrong has and I just wish I was back in bed. Sleeping through all the crapness.
I just want this day...not this month over.
Argh...

Question

2007-01-06T17:16:00.000+10:00

Do you think it is important to do something or go somewhere that will leave you a mess - physically, emotionally and spiritually?
See, I should do something that is really hard. Visit some places that I haven't been in a very long time. I just don't know if I have the strength to do it. I should do it cause it will probably really help with my fear...but the consequences are too big to ignore. I'm pretty sure I know how I will react...which are along the lines of a quivering mess for days and days afterwards.
I just feel like God is wanting me to do this. I just don't know if I can yet.
I don't know...

Much Deserved Apologies

2006-12-30T19:24:00.000+10:00

In my last post; the original not the edited version; I said some things that have hurt people. That was not my intention at all. It was not fair of me. I was hurt and angry and I lashed out. I directed that anger and hurt here and that wasn’t fair. Especially when the majority of that hurt and anger is directed at one person who did some things to me 5 years ago that I will never forget.

Its anger that I have been carrying for quite some time in a bottle at the bottom of my stomach and last night the lid was finally gave in to the pressure. I should have directed that anger into something constructive instead of taking it out on the people I love. For that I am deeply sorry and I hope you will be able for forgive me.

The reason why I felt I should say something here was because this is where I posted the original comments and I felt this was the best place to start in saying sorry. I just hope the people who have read the original will return and read my apologies.

So I am very sorry for any hurt I may have caused you.

Lots of Love,
Kirsty

Different??? Maybe not...

2006-12-30T01:11:00.000+10:00

You know, I thought this time would be different. I thought when I came back here this time that I might actually enjoy myself and have fun seeing friends and family rather then feeling sick and being reminded of things I wish I could forget...but unfortunately Brisbane is still the same. It still reminds me of the same horrible memories that were here before. It still reminds me of the same bad feelings and tears.

I wish I could just fly home right now. Those feelings and memories don't have the same effect on me there. Just here. The minute I landed those feelings came flooding back...and even though I am stronger they still manage to cripple me and render me almost useless. I pray that Brisbane will no longer be like this. And I will continue to pray that cause I love this place and the people who are here. And I hate that it ruins things when I am here.

Not So Bad

2006-12-14T13:48:00.000+10:00

Hey,

Well it wasn't as bad as I was thinking it would be. I got some really great kids and they have helped so much. Carrying stuff, sorting but just having them there. They didn't mind either cause they got to spend the day in air conditioning where as all the other kids are up at the under cover area playing games. I've just got a couple of things to do before I am completely finished.

Well, I should go and supervise these kids...we just gained some ring ins and they are reeking havoc.

See ya soon.

Cleaning Up Sux

2006-12-13T15:02:00.000+10:00

I am so over cleaning up and I have so much more to do. What is really scary is that I really only have 1 day left in which to do it. I know it is really just a matter of going through some stuff and working out if it is mine or the schools or bin worthy. I just can't find the motivation to do it. Actually getting in and doing it means that I'm actually leaving here and I don't want to.

Yes I will be coming back to Innisfail, but I don't want to leave the high school. It's certainly not helped that I don't like change and I've had to do that a lot this year.

Oh well, I am leaving, and I have to pack up so I guess I will just have to bite my lip and get into it.

Well, I need to go shopping for some presents so I will leave it there.

Good bye for today, I'll see you in a little while (2 sleeps for me, 3 sleeps for you :D)

Love Kirsty

11 Days and Counting

2006-12-05T15:02:00.000+10:00

I am so ready for the weekend. No correction. I am so ready for the holiday! I am so tired I could sleep for a week. And not just physically tired - I mean like whole body exhausted, need to be away from people (especially people who are 12/13 years of age). I just had one of my grade 8 classes. They are usually a nice bunch - but today the were off their face ratty and I had no idea what to do. They somehow got through their exam (whether they pass or not is a different matter) but the I had kids running everywhere. I'm serious they were behaving like 2 year olds. What I had planned went out the window. I finally managed to get everyone back in the room, sitting at a desk at 2:40...5 mins before the bell. The I made them put the desks back in order and put the chairs up. That took them until the bell.

I am so ready to crash now, but I have 4 exams to mark and 89 report cards to write. 20 of which have to be done by tomorrow :S

So...11 days and Counting!

Sad Farewells

2006-11-29T10:09:00.000+10:00

I just had my last year 10 class. It was so sad. We had fun though, played singstar which was cool. I know teachers aren't meant to have favourites but there are always going to be a few that will stick in your head. There are 3 from this class, 2 of them in particular I will really miss. I got this card from one of them. Here is a little bit.
There was once this teacher I met. At first she was a shy little bugger but then she grew on me...She is positively one of the nicest, understanding people I know. She has had fun and laughed with us, put up with my crap, helped us with our problems...I soon found it hard to believe that she was our teacher...going to music was now a highlight of the day...

There is a lot more, tear jerking stuff. Its nice when you know you’ve impacted on a kid. Makes the hard days a lot easier to cope with.

To Whom It May Concern

2006-11-28T13:26:00.000+10:00

To Whom It May Concern,
Thank you for always being so honest with me. I’ve thought a lot about what you said. For so long I have accepted this way of thinking and behaving without even realising it.

Up until Sunday the ‘warning signs’ so to speak were always the same and I was able to identify them and I was stopping or at least working on stopping my though processes. But on Sunday it was like the rules were changed and I didn’t recognise it. I got so used to them being the same that I wasn’t aware of the alterations. I got complacent and I can’t believe I ‘fell for it’. I know it isn’t an excuse. I don’t want to appear to be making excuses. I am fully prepared to accept responsibility. But at least I know that it may not be the same and I will try to watch out for it.

I don’t want to hurt people. That’s the last thing in the world I want to do. I can see now that hurting myself and giving in to this spirit is hurting the people I care about the most.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m tired of being this person, of hating myself, of hurting myself, of hurting others. I’m sick of being afraid. Every time I look at myself I tell myself how stupid I am. I hate what I have done and the effect it has on me. I want to stop that. I want to stop hating myself. I want to stand up and start fighting.

Thank you,

Kirsty xxoo

Drawing to a close

2006-11-21T11:55:00.000+10:00

I know, I know... I'm a slack ass. I'm gonna really try to blog more - I just never think of it.

Well, my time at Innisfail State High School as the classroom music teacher is drawing to a close. I only have 8 more days. Its very sad. I have shed many many tears.
I have fallen in love with this place and these people. Its hard to think that just 10 months ago I was balling my eyes out because I didn't want to leave Brissy. Now I'm a completely different person. So much has happened. I lived through a bloody scary cyclone - of which is still really hard to share my feelings on, I learned how to play guitar and as a result have started writing songs, I played my violin on two separate occasions in a church service (playing solos) and I've played one of my songs in front of 50 people and I also sang Advance Australia Fair at the school speech night in front of about 600 people. I've moved house 3 times and taught high school kids.
5 years ago I would never have thought I'd be here.

I have a few challenges at the moment. One of my students is going through some stuff that she told me about. It really affected me to begin with - I've gained some perspective and now I'm just very worried about her. My future is also up in the air. I'm not sure what is going to happen. I really don't want to be moved next year. I love this town and I love my housemates. I REALLY REALLY don't want to leave. I know I just have to trust God, and most of the time I'm pretty good at that - especially in this case. But that doesn't stop the 'what ifs?’
I'm also a bit worried about going 'home'. Having Erin her has been and is fantastic. I have missed her so much - as I have missed everyone. But its made me realise that I don't know anything about The Gap. Half of my friends have barely said boo since I moved up here. I know out of sight out of mind. But I'm finding out stuff just now that happened ages ago. I'm just scared that I will return and I won't belong. I'm scared I will feel like an outsider, like a visitor to the place I grew up in and with the people who were my friends. I really hope I can just slip back in but deep down I know that isn't going to happen. I watched it happen with Jeremy. So I know it is inevitable.

Part here, Part there

2006-07-03T22:59:00.000+10:00

Well, my time in Brisbane is drawing to a close. It has been so wonderful catching up with everyone. I'm only a little scared about going 'home'. I don't really want to go back to the blue, yellow and orange skyline (tarps on roofs incase you were wondering). I do want to see all my friends there and move into my new place, but part of me is still here. Anyway, thats enough for now, its bed time.

Until next time

Tree Tops in more ways then one

2006-05-01T13:29:00.000+10:00

OMG! The past 3 days have been insane. I have a new house. That tree house that I was telling you about, well I met the lady who lives there. She is really nice and we seemed to hit it off really well. I move in on Saturday. The house is beautiful. The back yard is the rainforest, which is slowly recovering. A little further is the ocean. There are seriously 270 degree views. The house is smaller then I thought, but that’s ok. The view and deck make up for it. I also have 2 new pets. Jack is Lucy's Jack Russell and we have a wild pet cassowary, I'm tossing around a few names, Larry and Mo are a couple. I like Mo cause he is still young and is still growing his cone head, it looks like a mini Mo.

The other 'Tree Top' experience is that of where I stayed on Saturday and Sunday. 4 of us went up to Port Douglas. We stayed at the Radisson Tree Tops Resort and Spa. It was amazing. It is literally in the rainforest.

Anyway, I should get some work done. Carly and I are at Carly's work trying to keep each other motivated to do work. She has to write up some plans and I have to write 100 report cards :S I don't even really know what to do so its a little daunting.

Well, I'll post some photos soon, and hopefully I'll get internet soon so I will be able to post a little more regularly.
So until next time,
xxoo

Still here

2006-04-27T07:55:00.000+10:00

Firsty, I am terribly sorry that I have been so slack and not posted for ages. I know, it is terrible.
But I though I'd post and update you all as to what things are up to. Larry clean up is going well. We are getting a new highway across the back of the school just for the trucks because it is so boggy. When that is finished we will have to contend with more trucks.
Already this morning at 7:40 (when I got to school) we have had mowers (a first in a while cause the ground is finally hard enough to mow) chainsaws, trucks, and diggers that are building the road. There is so much noise I am getting a headache. I have no idea how they expect us to teach and the kids to listen. I can hardly hear myself thing.
On a happier note, I got all my new instruments yesterday. 20 guitars, 10 keyboards, 3 electric guitars, a bass guitar, 3 amps and an electric piano.
It was very exciting for myself and the 3 grade 10's who helped to open all the huge boxes. One of the kids said... 'Its like Christmas but in April'.
My hardest thing at the moment if finding somewhere to live. Things become very strained and stressful, and I have been feeling ever since I got back that it was time to find something more perminant. I'm looking at a lively place at Cocette Pt. Its like a giant tree house, only the trees are gone :D
Well, its 8:05 so I should go back to my staff room and do some more work.
I'll let you all know how it goes.
Love lots Kirsty

Yes or No

2006-02-16T09:42:00.000+10:00

It seems to come down to one of these 2 little words. Everyone is telling me - do it do it do it but I'm scared shitless. I don't know what to say. Its a long way away, its not where I wanted to be.
I don't know what to do

Shit Day Tester

2006-02-01T22:43:00.000+10:00

Is there anyone else in the world that freaks out when they hear a certain word? It’s stupid. Why do I let one little word get to me so much. It doesn't matter if someone says it, whether it’s in a movie or even if I read it. Same reaction. My stomach ties in knots and starts doing summersaults. My heart starts racing, hands shaking. I stop breathing and my head retraces past events.
No one knows. Well I hope they don't notice. I try to keep everything inside. Internalise any freak out. God forbid anyone knowing how I really reacted.
It’s getting hard at the moment though. My cracks are beginning to show.
Sleeping for the next month would be good.
At least its 1 down.
This was and is always going to be the easiest of them all. Still hard though.
I think I have this built in shit day tester that sends out warning signals like sonar when shit days approach.
Fuck today. Fuck next week. Fuck everything.

Hehehe...

2006-01-26T22:31:00.000+10:00

Tari, you are so funny.

Would you like fries with that?

2006-01-26T22:09:00.000+10:00

Firstly, just want to say I am totally not dissing anyone who has worked, is working or is going to work in the fast food industry. I personally have never had the desire to work there myself - I think you are totally brave with the whole customers, cooking food and the smell.

Now that that is cleared up...
I'm getting down about this whole job stuff. 1000 teachers (actually probably more cause those figures were just the recently graduated teachers) sitting on their asses cause there aren't any jobs for them. What adds to the suckiness is that my teacher regristration hasn't come through yet so I can't even do supply. Having a degree is supposed to make it easier to get a job, but it so doesn't. Well not that I've found so far. Maybe I'm just to selective.

A big fat disappointment...That's me

2006-01-25T12:05:00.000+10:00

Have you ever been told by your parents that they are disappointed with you. Well, I just spent an hour listening to mine say that. Not in those words, but it was one of those talks. We think you should go to schools, put your name down blah blah blah.
Fuck... do they think I like sitting on my ass. I am so bloody confused at the moment. I can't apply for supply work cause I'm waiting on paper work. They know that. The last three days I have been doing things for other people.
I've been trying. But every time I start something or start looking at something I get shot down. "Kirsty I don't think you should do that. You should be using the degree that you just spent 5 years and countless thousands working on". "How can you give up on your dreams so quickly?"
I can't take it anymore. I know they love me, and they are only doing it cause they love me. But right now I want to run. Run as far and as fast as I can away from here. That or something else that I know I don't have the guts to go through with.

* * *

2006-01-22T00:14:00.000+10:00

I don't really know where I'm at at the moment. No sorry, not quite true. I know where I am. I'm lost. I'm at a T intersection no a * intersection. Lots of directions, but no direction.
I'm scared, I'm confused, I feel alone - only I'm not physically alone.
Just because another year has past doesn't mean everything is ok. It doesn't mean anything. Except maybe that another year has past - a few good things and a few more bad.
Its not ok. Ok!
I'm not ok. I'm not ok with the aloneness, I'm not ok with the togetherness. I still have to organize what I can because I can't organize the bigger things. My cupboard shelves are currently getting re-organized on a daily basis. No one can sit on my bed after I've made it... otherwise I freak and have to fix it.
I need control - but people are trying to take it from me again. Not in the same way as before. But they are.
I'm just not coping and the people I guess I really want to read this won't...or can't.
Argh...

A band-aid

2006-01-16T23:47:00.000+10:00

I'm tired, but I can't sleep.
I have to work early - but the knowledge of that doesn't help.
I've begun running things over and over again in my head. It happens at about this time of the year. Actually it happens about 4 times every year. The first 3 kinda moosh into one but there are differences.
You would think it would get easier with time. That the memories would affect you the way they did the first time round. But it doesn't. I don't know if it ever will. That’s what makes things so much more difficult... not knowing. Having these great big question marks hanging over my head.
When there's nothing to do, nothing to keep me occupied - that’s when the memories flood back like a dam wall breaking. It leaks to begin with - through tiny cracks, but as the pressure builds, the cracks get bigger until eventually the wall bursts apart and water spills all over the place. I'm just waiting for that to happen. Sure, I'm trying to stop it - but they are only band-aid solutions. I don't even know if anyone remembers.
I don't know if I want them to remember. I hate that whole walking around on egg shells bit.
Hey, promise me something - don't do that. I'd rather you say something rather then avoid it.
Besides, I can tell if you know. I can see it in your eyes, in your face. The way you talk to me, interact with me. I can tell. As days drawer nearer I could do with your prayers.
Thanks,
xxoo

Please Understand

2006-01-15T22:40:00.000+10:00

I can't,

I'm sorry.

Not yet.

Its too soon.

The wounds still too raw, the scars still healing. I'm scared and this isn't helping. I don't know if or when, but I do know not now. I can't explain it. Everything is so complicated. I am complicated. I am still working out who I am. Others aren't helping. Its just making it worse.

Stop it everyone...

Just don't!

Don't joke, don't tease, don't laugh.

When I laugh along, I'm not really laughing with you. I'm laughing so you won't see how hurt I am. How much I am hurting. Not just by what you are saying, though that certainly doesn't help. I hurt everyday. Sometimes so much so that I don't want to get out of bed. Sometimes so much so that I would do anything to make it stop. You're jokes are like adding salt on a wound.

If only you could understand.

But no one really understands. My masks work 24/7. There are many. On very rare occasions I have briefly removed a mask. But usually it is quickly replaced by another. When you've been hiding for so long, after a while, you don't notice that you are hiding.

I'm tired. Tired if hiding. Tired of protecting myself. That's why I'm saying this. I am tired and venerable - your words, your actions, even your thoughts, are adding more and more pressure.

I can't cope.

All of this is adding water to mud.

I am slipping. I can feel myself being sucked back down.

Back down to the depths I have worked so hard to emerge from.

Just cause I've been ok doesn't mean everything is ok again.

Remember that quote 'time heals all wounds', well there are many, many, many wounds. So I'm gonna need a little longer.

Please understand.

A ball and a hole...

2006-01-14T23:19:00.000+10:00

I am really struggling right now. I don't know what I am supposed to be doing. I've finished my degree, but I don't think I should be in the classroom just yet. I have this urge to go back and do further study, but I don't think (and other people don't think) that I should do that right away. I've been thinking a lot about traveling/working it seems to make sense - but there are problems associated.
1) I don't have a visa.
2) I don't have any money.
3) Some people won't let me go.
4) I don't have any money.
I feel so lost here... going OS - would that be simply running away? Why do some people get things so easily? It doesn't seem fair. I've always wanted to teach, everyone says that's what I should be doing, strangers have said to me "are you a teacher by any chance?". How come I did so shit? Why, suddenly, after 18 years of wanting this, 12 years working towards it, 5 years of studying for it, I don't want to be doing it ???
Maybe I'm just scared. Maybe I don't want to face what's really out there... loneliness, sadness and depression.
Right now, curling up in a ball in a hole in the ground sounds like a pretty good option.

Oh to live a sim life

2006-01-10T22:36:00.000+10:00

It would be so nice to live like a sim. I mean, you can turn free will off or on, you can be told when to eat, when to sleep, when to pee. You can get a job at the click of a button - no experience or qualifications required. You can have a maid come and clean your house for 10 simoleons an hour or have neat freak children. There are no expectations. You can look in a mirror and check yourself out instead of notice all the negative and bad things that are wrong with your body. Type in a code and suddenly you have an endless supply of money. Your dream home can be built and decorated while time stands still and best of all you can fast forward all the bad things and they just become memories.
Why can't real life be like a the sims???

Crowd shoving...

2006-01-10T04:45:00.000+10:00

Finding myself in the crowd isn't easy. I have no idea where I'm going, what I'm doing, what I want to do or even what the future (near or distant) holds. No one understands. I hate this. I can't do anything on my own. I need help to sleep, I can't go places on my own, I can't eat properly, I even need help just to get through each day. It's easy to see how people develop drug dependencies. The only thing I actually want help with, I seem to be all alone... it isn't fair.

When the pieces just don't fit...

2006-01-09T22:08:00.000+10:00

Have you ever done one of those puzzles where you can not, for the life of you find the piece that fits. Right now I am trying every bloody piece... I can't seem to do or say anything right this whole night. Now I feel like @#*^ (both emotionally and physically). Damn it... nothing lasts.

A blank slate...

2006-01-08T23:48:00.000+10:00

I'm not so good at this... sharing my thoughts with the world (potentially). But I need to do something. Otherwise I'm going to go stir crazy. I'm certainly better at writing things down then talking.
I see things... things that others don't. Different perspectives, that kind of stuff. Sometimes it drives me crazy... I want to be able to get pissed off with people rather then rationalize what they are doing. I always end up blaming myself... Perhaps its easier to hate myself then to hate others.
I could probably say that there is only one person in the world that I hate... no sorry, make that 2. I hate myself more then anything... and that's saying something cause the other person I hate has done some pretty horrible stuff.
Anyway, thats enough for now.