Hehehe...

Tari, you are so funny.

Would you like fries with that?

Firstly, just want to say I am totally not dissing anyone who has worked, is working or is going to work in the fast food industry. I personally have never had the desire to work there myself - I think you are totally brave with the whole customers, cooking food and the smell.

Now that that is cleared up...
I'm getting down about this whole job stuff. 1000 teachers (actually probably more cause those figures were just the recently graduated teachers) sitting on their asses cause there aren't any jobs for them. What adds to the suckiness is that my teacher regristration hasn't come through yet so I can't even do supply. Having a degree is supposed to make it easier to get a job, but it so doesn't. Well not that I've found so far. Maybe I'm just to selective.

A big fat disappointment...That's me

Have you ever been told by your parents that they are disappointed with you. Well, I just spent an hour listening to mine say that. Not in those words, but it was one of those talks. We think you should go to schools, put your name down blah blah blah.
Fuck... do they think I like sitting on my ass. I am so bloody confused at the moment. I can't apply for supply work cause I'm waiting on paper work. They know that. The last three days I have been doing things for other people.
I've been trying. But every time I start something or start looking at something I get shot down. "Kirsty I don't think you should do that. You should be using the degree that you just spent 5 years and countless thousands working on". "How can you give up on your dreams so quickly?"
I can't take it anymore. I know they love me, and they are only doing it cause they love me. But right now I want to run. Run as far and as fast as I can away from here. That or something else that I know I don't have the guts to go through with.

* * *

I don't really know where I'm at at the moment. No sorry, not quite true. I know where I am. I'm lost. I'm at a T intersection no a * intersection. Lots of directions, but no direction.
I'm scared, I'm confused, I feel alone - only I'm not physically alone.
Just because another year has past doesn't mean everything is ok. It doesn't mean anything. Except maybe that another year has past - a few good things and a few more bad.
Its not ok. Ok!
I'm not ok. I'm not ok with the aloneness, I'm not ok with the togetherness. I still have to organize what I can because I can't organize the bigger things. My cupboard shelves are currently getting re-organized on a daily basis. No one can sit on my bed after I've made it... otherwise I freak and have to fix it.
I need control - but people are trying to take it from me again. Not in the same way as before. But they are.
I'm just not coping and the people I guess I really want to read this won't...or can't.
Argh...

A band-aid

I'm tired, but I can't sleep.
I have to work early - but the knowledge of that doesn't help.
I've begun running things over and over again in my head. It happens at about this time of the year. Actually it happens about 4 times every year. The first 3 kinda moosh into one but there are differences.
You would think it would get easier with time. That the memories would affect you the way they did the first time round. But it doesn't. I don't know if it ever will. That’s what makes things so much more difficult... not knowing. Having these great big question marks hanging over my head.
When there's nothing to do, nothing to keep me occupied - that’s when the memories flood back like a dam wall breaking. It leaks to begin with - through tiny cracks, but as the pressure builds, the cracks get bigger until eventually the wall bursts apart and water spills all over the place. I'm just waiting for that to happen. Sure, I'm trying to stop it - but they are only band-aid solutions. I don't even know if anyone remembers.
I don't know if I want them to remember. I hate that whole walking around on egg shells bit.
Hey, promise me something - don't do that. I'd rather you say something rather then avoid it.
Besides, I can tell if you know. I can see it in your eyes, in your face. The way you talk to me, interact with me. I can tell. As days drawer nearer I could do with your prayers.
Thanks,
xxoo

Please Understand

I can't,

I'm sorry.

Not yet.

Its too soon.

The wounds still too raw, the scars still healing. I'm scared and this isn't helping. I don't know if or when, but I do know not now. I can't explain it. Everything is so complicated. I am complicated. I am still working out who I am. Others aren't helping. Its just making it worse.

Stop it everyone...

Just don't!

Don't joke, don't tease, don't laugh.

When I laugh along, I'm not really laughing with you. I'm laughing so you won't see how hurt I am. How much I am hurting. Not just by what you are saying, though that certainly doesn't help. I hurt everyday. Sometimes so much so that I don't want to get out of bed. Sometimes so much so that I would do anything to make it stop. You're jokes are like adding salt on a wound.

If only you could understand.

But no one really understands. My masks work 24/7. There are many. On very rare occasions I have briefly removed a mask. But usually it is quickly replaced by another. When you've been hiding for so long, after a while, you don't notice that you are hiding.

I'm tired. Tired if hiding. Tired of protecting myself. That's why I'm saying this. I am tired and venerable - your words, your actions, even your thoughts, are adding more and more pressure.

I can't cope.

All of this is adding water to mud.

I am slipping. I can feel myself being sucked back down.

Back down to the depths I have worked so hard to emerge from.

Just cause I've been ok doesn't mean everything is ok again.

Remember that quote 'time heals all wounds', well there are many, many, many wounds. So I'm gonna need a little longer.

Please understand.

A ball and a hole...

I am really struggling right now. I don't know what I am supposed to be doing. I've finished my degree, but I don't think I should be in the classroom just yet. I have this urge to go back and do further study, but I don't think (and other people don't think) that I should do that right away. I've been thinking a lot about traveling/working it seems to make sense - but there are problems associated.
1) I don't have a visa.
2) I don't have any money.
3) Some people won't let me go.
4) I don't have any money.
I feel so lost here... going OS - would that be simply running away? Why do some people get things so easily? It doesn't seem fair. I've always wanted to teach, everyone says that's what I should be doing, strangers have said to me "are you a teacher by any chance?". How come I did so shit? Why, suddenly, after 18 years of wanting this, 12 years working towards it, 5 years of studying for it, I don't want to be doing it ???
Maybe I'm just scared. Maybe I don't want to face what's really out there... loneliness, sadness and depression.
Right now, curling up in a ball in a hole in the ground sounds like a pretty good option.

Oh to live a sim life

It would be so nice to live like a sim. I mean, you can turn free will off or on, you can be told when to eat, when to sleep, when to pee. You can get a job at the click of a button - no experience or qualifications required. You can have a maid come and clean your house for 10 simoleons an hour or have neat freak children. There are no expectations. You can look in a mirror and check yourself out instead of notice all the negative and bad things that are wrong with your body. Type in a code and suddenly you have an endless supply of money. Your dream home can be built and decorated while time stands still and best of all you can fast forward all the bad things and they just become memories.
Why can't real life be like a the sims???

Crowd shoving...

Finding myself in the crowd isn't easy. I have no idea where I'm going, what I'm doing, what I want to do or even what the future (near or distant) holds. No one understands. I hate this. I can't do anything on my own. I need help to sleep, I can't go places on my own, I can't eat properly, I even need help just to get through each day. It's easy to see how people develop drug dependencies. The only thing I actually want help with, I seem to be all alone... it isn't fair.

When the pieces just don't fit...

Have you ever done one of those puzzles where you can not, for the life of you find the piece that fits. Right now I am trying every bloody piece... I can't seem to do or say anything right this whole night. Now I feel like @#*^ (both emotionally and physically). Damn it... nothing lasts.

A blank slate...

I'm not so good at this... sharing my thoughts with the world (potentially). But I need to do something. Otherwise I'm going to go stir crazy. I'm certainly better at writing things down then talking.
I see things... things that others don't. Different perspectives, that kind of stuff. Sometimes it drives me crazy... I want to be able to get pissed off with people rather then rationalize what they are doing. I always end up blaming myself... Perhaps its easier to hate myself then to hate others.
I could probably say that there is only one person in the world that I hate... no sorry, make that 2. I hate myself more then anything... and that's saying something cause the other person I hate has done some pretty horrible stuff.
Anyway, thats enough for now.