A band-aid

I'm tired, but I can't sleep.
I have to work early - but the knowledge of that doesn't help.
I've begun running things over and over again in my head. It happens at about this time of the year. Actually it happens about 4 times every year. The first 3 kinda moosh into one but there are differences.
You would think it would get easier with time. That the memories would affect you the way they did the first time round. But it doesn't. I don't know if it ever will. That’s what makes things so much more difficult... not knowing. Having these great big question marks hanging over my head.
When there's nothing to do, nothing to keep me occupied - that’s when the memories flood back like a dam wall breaking. It leaks to begin with - through tiny cracks, but as the pressure builds, the cracks get bigger until eventually the wall bursts apart and water spills all over the place. I'm just waiting for that to happen. Sure, I'm trying to stop it - but they are only band-aid solutions. I don't even know if anyone remembers.
I don't know if I want them to remember. I hate that whole walking around on egg shells bit.
Hey, promise me something - don't do that. I'd rather you say something rather then avoid it.
Besides, I can tell if you know. I can see it in your eyes, in your face. The way you talk to me, interact with me. I can tell. As days drawer nearer I could do with your prayers.
Thanks,
xxoo