A Struggle

It has been a while... so much has happened. The good, the bad and the ugly.

I have achieved but I have also failed at the one thing that I struggle with so much. I fight so hard and sometimes it never seems like I will find a way out. 279 + 14. That will mean something to some people. There were 30 days between the 279 and the 14. 30 days where I was lost in darkness and most of those days I really didn't think I'd ever find a way out.

Funny that it should be the one think that was binding me to the darkness that because the thing that also began the process to free me.

I know I'm talking in riddles. I guess I just don't want to say too much. Those that know me will be able to work out what I'm talking about.

The last 14 days have been so hard. People keep telling me that it will be easier this time because I have done it before. But I don't know that it is. Just because I know what to look for, know what to expect, know the warnings doesn't make it any easier to cope or deal with the urges. But I will continue to play guitar, write stories and clean my house. Not to mention just look at the hundreds of reminders....

When u wish u hadden't got out of bed!

Oh what a truely shit day. And its only 10:30... Everything that could have gone wrong has and I just wish I was back in bed. Sleeping through all the crapness.
I just want this day...not this month over.
Argh...

Question

Do you think it is important to do something or go somewhere that will leave you a mess - physically, emotionally and spiritually?
See, I should do something that is really hard. Visit some places that I haven't been in a very long time. I just don't know if I have the strength to do it. I should do it cause it will probably really help with my fear...but the consequences are too big to ignore. I'm pretty sure I know how I will react...which are along the lines of a quivering mess for days and days afterwards.
I just feel like God is wanting me to do this. I just don't know if I can yet.
I don't know...

Much Deserved Apologies

In my last post; the original not the edited version; I said some things that have hurt people. That was not my intention at all. It was not fair of me. I was hurt and angry and I lashed out. I directed that anger and hurt here and that wasn’t fair. Especially when the majority of that hurt and anger is directed at one person who did some things to me 5 years ago that I will never forget.

Its anger that I have been carrying for quite some time in a bottle at the bottom of my stomach and last night the lid was finally gave in to the pressure. I should have directed that anger into something constructive instead of taking it out on the people I love. For that I am deeply sorry and I hope you will be able for forgive me.

The reason why I felt I should say something here was because this is where I posted the original comments and I felt this was the best place to start in saying sorry. I just hope the people who have read the original will return and read my apologies.

So I am very sorry for any hurt I may have caused you.

Lots of Love,
Kirsty

Different??? Maybe not...

You know, I thought this time would be different. I thought when I came back here this time that I might actually enjoy myself and have fun seeing friends and family rather then feeling sick and being reminded of things I wish I could forget...but unfortunately Brisbane is still the same. It still reminds me of the same horrible memories that were here before. It still reminds me of the same bad feelings and tears.

I wish I could just fly home right now. Those feelings and memories don't have the same effect on me there. Just here. The minute I landed those feelings came flooding back...and even though I am stronger they still manage to cripple me and render me almost useless. I pray that Brisbane will no longer be like this. And I will continue to pray that cause I love this place and the people who are here. And I hate that it ruins things when I am here.

Not So Bad

Hey,

Well it wasn't as bad as I was thinking it would be. I got some really great kids and they have helped so much. Carrying stuff, sorting but just having them there. They didn't mind either cause they got to spend the day in air conditioning where as all the other kids are up at the under cover area playing games. I've just got a couple of things to do before I am completely finished.

Well, I should go and supervise these kids...we just gained some ring ins and they are reeking havoc.

See ya soon.

Cleaning Up Sux

I am so over cleaning up and I have so much more to do. What is really scary is that I really only have 1 day left in which to do it. I know it is really just a matter of going through some stuff and working out if it is mine or the schools or bin worthy. I just can't find the motivation to do it. Actually getting in and doing it means that I'm actually leaving here and I don't want to.

Yes I will be coming back to Innisfail, but I don't want to leave the high school. It's certainly not helped that I don't like change and I've had to do that a lot this year.

Oh well, I am leaving, and I have to pack up so I guess I will just have to bite my lip and get into it.

Well, I need to go shopping for some presents so I will leave it there.

Good bye for today, I'll see you in a little while (2 sleeps for me, 3 sleeps for you :D)

Love Kirsty

11 Days and Counting

I am so ready for the weekend. No correction. I am so ready for the holiday! I am so tired I could sleep for a week. And not just physically tired - I mean like whole body exhausted, need to be away from people (especially people who are 12/13 years of age). I just had one of my grade 8 classes. They are usually a nice bunch - but today the were off their face ratty and I had no idea what to do. They somehow got through their exam (whether they pass or not is a different matter) but the I had kids running everywhere. I'm serious they were behaving like 2 year olds. What I had planned went out the window. I finally managed to get everyone back in the room, sitting at a desk at 2:40...5 mins before the bell. The I made them put the desks back in order and put the chairs up. That took them until the bell.

I am so ready to crash now, but I have 4 exams to mark and 89 report cards to write. 20 of which have to be done by tomorrow :S

So...11 days and Counting!